International Triathlon Union (ITU)
#221, 998 Harbourside Dr.,
North Vancouver, BC,
Canada, V7P 3T2
Dear El Presidente Marisol Casado,
A good friend of mine has alerted me to the possibility of an alternative alteration to triathlon law, should my suggestions yesterday have met with disapproval (for some absurdly childish reason that I can’t possibly imagine).
If changing the order of events is too difficult for your die-hard fans to come at, I would like to suggest a sliding scale of distances for each part of the race. Let me explain:
At present, the Sprint Triathlon that I intend to complete (on 18th December, Marisol, you’re on a deadline to get this sorted) consists of a 450m swim (why the odd distance?), an 18km ride and a 4km run. When looked at like this, it is clear that the required distances are totally unbalanced. To rectify this, competitors should be required to swim, ride and run for the same amount of time. So, a competitor who completes the 450m swim in, say, 6 minutes, would then be required to ride their bike for 6 minutes and run for 6 minutes. The person who gets furthest away from the starting line within this time frame wins. Easy.
I look forward to your response in this matter. Should you have any further questions, I will be pleased to direct you to the genius who came up with the idea in the first place, a fellow ex-swimmer and now-mother, Ms E.
PS: Your Lion Cake has been taken by an associate of mine, so should you still need a bribe, I have a bucket of freshly collected snails and a pile of bindis (not the Irwin kind, thank God, although just as painful if handled without protective equipment). Let me know which you would prefer.